Are you and your partner ready to have a baby?

I’ve been talking a lot about mental health and parenting, but somehow forgot that probably the most stressful and scary time is when you are still expecting a baby. So in the next few weeks I would like to bring up the subject of pregnancy because there is so much to discuss.

 

The topic of this week’s post will be having the talk of whether or not you and your partner are ready to have a baby. It’s worth mentioning that I’m specifically targeting the situation when you have a conscious choice to make. So when you are thinking about having a baby and want to know what exactly to discuss with your partner or you just found out you are pregnant and want to be prepared beforehand for all the possible arguments, because trust me children bring out quite a few.

So without further ado let’s jump right in there.

 

Are you and you partner at the same page? If I ever start giving advice about healthy and happy relationships, the first thing I would tell anyone is: communication is the key. Since people are not psychics it’s very important to make sure you both clearly know what the two of you want from your life. Because you might be thinking that it’s the right time for your family to expand, but if your partner is more focused on his/hers career or having fun or traveling then this decision may very well ruin your relationship, because babies are not returnable and they don’t care if one of their parents is frustrated and trapped. So I suggest you two sit down and clarify if you are ready to settle for a while, if you are ready to adjust to a new lifestyle, if you are ready to become completely selfless and put the needs of a cranky demanding little creature before your own.

 

Make sure you are financially ready. Nope, I’m not talking about the college fund. And not even the cost of diapers. I suggest you really get into this and try to calculate how much you’ll be needing for the pregnancy and the first year of your baby’s life, because there are many things that people don’t consider. First of all, you’ll be spending more money on food, you’ll be needing a doctor to supervise the pregnancy, a bunch of maternity clothes, sometimes shoes, sometimes pillows and other tools, because pregnancy is definitely not the most comfortable time of one’s life. Then, delivery – this is quite expensive, especially if you are being picky about your doctor and the hospital. Car seat, stroller, the crib, baby clothes that won’t even fit them in a month or two, bottles, blankets, chairs for breastfeeding if this is your thing or formula if that’s your thing. Pediatrician that you are going to visit every month, the cost of moving around. See where I’m going with this? The baby will change the way you move around, the way you shop, it will change how selective you are about the food you eat, the soap you use and the fabric of your clothes. And even if you forget about all this additional spending, it’s quite stressful, especially if you pile it onto a crying newborn. So be aware of that. Because if you are prepared it will help you avoid a lot of arguments.

 

Responsibilities. Once your baby is there, you won’t have time to decide which one of you is on diaper duty and which one is going to do the dishes. Having a kid is always about teamwork, so before you have all of this stress sit down and calmly and rationally talk about who is in charge of what (generally speaking). For example, my husband is working and I am a stay at home mom, so that automatically makes me in charge of practically everything that comes to the baby: if she wakes up at night, I am the one putting her back to sleep, I am changing her, I am washing her, I cook for her now that she is bigger 100% of the time. I make decisions of what she eats, how she is dressed and how early she goes to sleep. We talked about it and I knew exactly what to expect. I don’t get mad for my husband for not waking up at night just as he doesn’t get mad at me if I’m not sleep training her even though he strongly believes that I should. Again, teamwork. Very honestly see what kinds of house “jobs” you are better at and take them as “your jobs”. Seriously, I cannot express how many arguments we have avoided because of discussing this beforehand. Besides, knowing what you should be expecting will give you a clearer idea of whether or not you want to do it in the first place.

 

Talk about family. Even if you score 100% on the previous three, this one can make it all not matter. I believe this is one of the biggest reasons people get divorced within the first 5 years of their marriage, cheat on each other or generally become unhappy with their life. How do I explain this? If two people love and respect each other and seem to be very happy together, but one of them wants to raise a kid traditionally, where they go to school with uniform, no TV until they do their homework, strict house chores responsibilities, not speaking until you are allowed to (I’m exaggerating so that you can clearly see what I’m talking about) and the other one wants to raise their kid on the road or a farm where they will be free to do whatever they want (again, not a real example) then clearly this situation will never work out for them. So to save you the heartache and the struggle, tell each other how do you see your perfect family. How many kids, what kind of relationship do you want to have with them, what kind of school do you want them to go to, what are the most important values that you want to teach them, how will you be spending your holidays and, even simpler, which holidays will you be celebrating. I’m pretty sure you got the idea by now.

 

And finally the second most important thing after the family is other important aspects of your life. Do you practice any religion? If yes then do you want to pass it onto your child? What language do you speak? If your partner speaks a different one, which one will you use to speak to your baby? What kind of culture are you two coming from? Not even a culture of a country, but even little things your parents did that you also want to do in your own family. If you happen to save some money would you rather buy a new car or go travel somewhere? What kind of diet do you have? Are you ok with kink food or are you a vegan? Major beliefs that make you you. All of this is very important to bring up, because if you and your partner disagree on something major it could very well ruin your family. So just in case bring up the sensitive subjects and sort it out before you make a big step, because one thing is to live with someone and put up with their habits and be unhappy and another is to bring a baby in a family that is not united.

Talk. Talk, talk, talk to each other. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, even if they are on a sensitive topic. Be honest with your partner and with yourself about what you want and who you are. And the most important thing: be happy. If something is throwing you off, say it, solve it, work on it.

 

Remember: family is a union, a team, a partnership. There is no right one and wrong one. There are just the two of you and it either works or it doesn’t.

Having a baby is the biggest responsibility of your life, so please think it through and make sure that your child is coming to a happy and accepting family.