It has occurred to me that lately I haven’t been able to stimulate my daughter enough. She was so eager to learn everything and I really wanted to teach her about our amazing world, but it clearly wasn’t enough. Therefore, we decided to send her to Montessori school so that trained teachers can teach her everything with proper materials and knowledge.
It was the best decision we have ever taken. I can not stress this enough: Montessori method is amazing! It is gentle, it considers the needs of every child individually, it is very effective and it teaches kids to be kind and polite to people around them as well as encourages them to clean after themselves and be organized.
Since for two weeks I went to school with her, I have picked up a few interesting and simple tips that actually make a huge difference in a long run. I try to mimic teacher’s behavior at home and now that I know it actually works I want to share those tips with you so that you too can have a content responsible child and eliminate both yours and your child’s stress.
Before I begin you need to understand a simple thing about Montessori method – they believe in treating children almost like adults: considering their opinion, offering them a choice, letting them develop in their own time. Probably the most important rule for them is: Don’t do anything for them that they can do on their own. So you always offer your help, but never force it on them.
Keep in mind that I’m not a certified Montessori teacher, therefore all I can offer is just suggestions on what I believe is right to do.
Having said that, here are some of the tips that I picked up and that left me fascinated:
Saying “No” is ok, but not always necessary. There are a lot of sources that claim that children hear the word “No” 400 times a day. I don’t know if they actually have any data to back it up, but the number kind of makes sense if you think about it. They are learning to be human. They don’t know yet what is ok and not ok to do, so naturally we want to teach them by correcting some of their inappropriate behavior, like punching someone or biting. As the main teacher of Montessori explained me, the moment you say “No” to someone they are most likely to shut down and don’t even want to hear what you have to say next. Sometimes it is actually more effective to say: “We don’t push our friends” or “We don’t take toys from others, they are playing with them. How about we get the one that is free to play with?” or “If you play there, you are going to get wet, please play somewhere else”. Some would think that children will ignore those requests, but they actually don’t. Moreover, instead of feeling like they were told off and complaining about it, they just moved on to doing something else and next time remembered that that sort of thing is not ok to do.
Of course, if your child is in danger or putting other kids in danger, you should say no, because it is the quickest way to get them to stop, but just use this word wisely.
Engage them in useful activities. Like I said, everything is new and unexplored, so from the time when they can grab things you can use play time to teach them some very useful skills and habits. For example, let them help you clean: swipe the tables, mop, pick up trash from the floor and put it in the bin, putting all of the things that they dropped back into the plate and etc. They will be happy to do it especially if you do it with them (given they are old enough) and with time they will get used to doing those things and you will get a very tidy child. For example, in school children help to put away all of the toys before going to play outside, then they wash their own hands (with a little help) and always feed themselves, even the smallest ones. Teachers also eat the same food at the same table to teach kids that they don’t get anything different, that this is the food that adults eat as well. I have been eating the same way with my daughter and she went from being a picky eater to a kid that eats everything literally in the matter of two days. She also picks up all of the toys and books and puts them in their places if I ask her to – this actually only took me two days of showing and doing it with her. So, now we have no mess, no fuss and a well-feed baby.
Order. Probably, this is the second most important thing for Montessori. They keep everything clean, make sure that the kids put the previous material away before taking a new one. Surprisingly, with a little bit encouragement they are very happy to do it. They learn to be neat and don’t take toys away from others, understanding that that toy is being used by someone else therefore not available.
Have a place for studying. There is a very important thing in traditional education as well as Montessori education that helps to boost up student’s productivity: they have a specific place for studying. So when kids want to read a certain book or work on certain skills with materials, they grab it from the shelves and bring it to the table. Then, they sit down and work on it. When they feel like they are ready to move on to the next activity, they put this material away and grab the next one. This way they get immediately concentrated on learning when they sit there. And you may be thinking: “Right. My kid would never do that, it sounds too good to be true”. Well, trust me, even the smallest ones that can walk (from 1 year of age) actually do it after the first week of being there.
They also keep it like this for other activities: in the room where they sleep, they only sleep and never play, in the backyard they fool around, chase each other, swing and slide, because it’s break time, when they sit down to eat, they ask kids to finish their food at the table and only get up and walk around when they don’t want to eat anymore.
Let them be independent. Even the smallest toddlers are already unique little people with their own opinions and thoughts. Consider them. Offer them a choice. “Do you want to wear a blue shirt or a red one?”, “Would you like to sing a song or read a book?”, “Which spoon would you like to eat with?” etc. As a parent you need to make sure they are safe, but within this safety let them have the freedom of choice. For example, if it’s cold outside and they have to wear a hat, give them two options and let them decide which one they like better, or if they have to eat some vegetables, offer them a choice as well. That way you are still making sure that they are well taken care of, but at the same time they have some control over their life. Trust me, you will eliminate a ton of fuss this way.
Also, let them attempt to put their shoes on, feed themselves, take their pants off in the bathroom, throw their own diaper in the trash and etc. These are all little unimportant things that will mean a world for them, because they will feel important, heard and appreciated. Besides, throwing things in the trash is apparently very fun, because now my daughter even looks for something on the floor to throw into the bin (doesn’t throw toys though, so it’s good).
Show them how to do it right instead of just saying “No”. A very easy example of this presented itself to me yesterday, when a child dropped a glass from the table while eating and it broke. Teachers wouldn’t let me touch it. Instead they made sure kids were nowhere near it, got a broom and a scoop and cleaned it up this way. Later they said that if kids saw me touching it, they would believe that it’s ok to grab it with their hands. This way they know that even adults never touch it and they don’t attempt to either. Just remember: they are like sponges. They observe your actions and they mimic them – it’s the fastest way to learn after all. So instead of yelling “No” and making them feel like they’ve done something bad, show them how to do things properly and safely.
Be the example for their behavior. I once saw a mom yelling at her son for yelling at her. She was genuinely surprised that he was so disrespectful to her even though she – his only role model – was doing the exact same thing. Don’t expect them to respect you if you don’t respect them. They won’t out of nowhere get polite and calm and nice. You need to show them how to be this way. Don’t order them to do things, say “please” and “thank you”, treat others with kindness and so will they.
Instead of taking the toy away, tell them: “Let’s share/give this toy to…” So a very valid question: “What do I do when my kid takes something from other kids?” First of all, you don’t get mad. They are not doing this because they are mean (at least toddlers), they just don’t understand the concept of putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. For them the center of the universe is themselves. Again it’s your job as a parent to teach them to consider the needs and feelings of others. Explain them that the reason they can’t have this toy is because someone else is playing with it. They can ask to play with it or take it if it’s offered, but never force it. If they already have it in their hands you can simply say “This toy is not available, because Joe is playing with it. Let’s grab another one and wait for this one to be free”.
This will, probably, take some time, but eventually they will understand the concept.
Let them get to places themselves. Here I’m only referring to those kids that can already walk. I know, it will take longer in the store if you have to adjust to their speed, but this way they will learn to follow you and won’t get as frustrated. By just picking them up, you take away their freedom out of your own convenience. They feel it, trust me. So let them walk by your side, maybe even let them walk by themselves where it’s safe. Sooner or later they will have to learn to grab your hand and follow you.
Besides, they will burn some of their never-ending energy this way.
If you are having troubles keeping them by your side in the supermarket, try giving them a task: passing you some vegetables from the shelves, throwing them into the trolley, pushing the trolley with you or even pulling an empty basket with wheels. They will be entertained, learn some useful skills and requests and also will feel like they are a part of the team and not just a weight that you carry.
Respect them, consider their opinion. Remember that they are still learning how to be humans. They don’t know what’s hurtful for others and most of the time they don’t mean to do rude things. They are slow and it’s ok to let them be slow, because they are still getting used to their bodies. They also already have plans and thoughts of their own. Don’t dismiss them. They are child’s thoughts – yes – but they are equally as important as yours. Make them feel included, make them feel heard, make them feel considered. In the end they will be way happier and even become more mature. This way you will build trust that will last you all your life.
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